You are Erestor. Long ago, you were the noble #2 counselor to Elrond, lord of Rivendell, second only to Glorfindel. Then Elrond gave up on the whole humanitarian thing and you've been reduced to being the errand and whipping boy. We'd feel pity for you, but it's just so damned funny! You're also a hermaphodite were-cheetah with mutant children. They are fucking fantastic on the side of a big plate of linguini. Do something about their hooves though-- they almost chipped the turkey's beak.